1.2 While the head understands, the heart still suffers

Since it had taken her quite some time to plant the seeds the previous night, dawn had already set in when Anna opened her eyes that morning. A few twigs had entangled themselves in her long hair, so she quickly hopped into the shower before eating breakfast outside on the terrace again.

The outfit she had to wear for work did not at all suit her, and she had even dared to ask whether there was something more adapted for work in a science lab, but they did not have anything there. She had shown up unexpected, which is why they could not provide her with better clothes. The only offer they made was for her to bring own clothes she could wear, but since she only possessed the few things she wore every day, this was not an option. Not many people were about to see her in this outfit, she was very well aware of that. Yet she did not feel comfortable, and that reflected on her confidence that shrunk a little more every minute she had this blouse on. It was one thing to be surrounded by strangers, but another one to look ridiculous while being surrounded by strangers. And this was exactly what she felt – ridiculous, and also humiliated. The way they had her put her hair up added a touch of androgyny. There were not many times when she felt attractive and like a “real” woman, anyway, but now this was taken away from her, as well. In a desperate attempt to antagonize this, she put on more makeup than usual and even sprayed her wrists with perfume she had stuffed into her suitcase when leaving. The result was not completely satisfying, but she felt at least a little bit better than before.

After breakfast, she nourished her tiny little garden that had just begun to grow a little. Already, weed had established itself, but since there was not enough time left to completely remove it, Anna postponed this task to the evening. She feared that by hastily ripping off twigs and random blades of grass, she would kill some parts of the actual pants. It was better to calmly do this later.

It did not look very promising, especially not the plant on the left, but by night it was going to be okay, she promised to herself. Right after work she was going to get right on that.

But first she took another trip to the library, to read a little more about fertilizers and also weed. None of the books she had at home covered this section, and right now she could not afford anything new. The bills were already eating her up and she tried to keep her money together as much as possible. This meant to spend as little as possible on food and everything else she needed. Hopefully this was just temporary and not something she had to cope with for a longer period of time.

This afternoon was just like the previous one – around 5 p.m. the library got crowded again, but this time there were different people entering through that huge, wooden door:  Some women, who all looked tense, but also a couple of men who had smiles on their faces and seemed to enjoy the quiet atmosphere.

One man in particular caught Anna’s interest, because he kept watching her from a distance, the entire time she was reading. At first she panicked and even thought about leaving quickly, without putting the book back in its shelf. Who knew what this man wanted from her? But after a while, when she carefully looked up from her book and glanced towards him, she realized that he in fact was not looking at her the entire time. At least a part of the time he looked out of the window, which was directly next to her. So she got up, courageously but still a little scared, and walked over to him. There were so many people in this place that he would not dare doing anything to harm her. While being in public, she was safe. With a warm smile he greeted her and introduced himself as Benjamin Schmidt, a name that sounded surprisingly German. His handshake was firm, yet he did not squeeze her hand so much that she was in pain. She immediately recognized the tattoo on his left arm, which consisted of a sun covering most of his forearm. While she still wondered what it meant to him, she realized that he was following her gaze. He laughed and explained that this usually was the first thing strangers noticed when approaching him.

It felt good to have someone to talk to about tattoos and about being noticed when you wanted nothing more than being unnoticed. Apparently, a tattoo was considered cheap and as an insult to proper moral and behavior here. Of course, she had seen the looks before that some people shot her, but until now she had not been aware of the negative associations that were coming along with them. During their conversation, Anna noticed that he even had a second tattoo, on the other arm. Unfortunately, she could not really find out what was on it, since it was a little faded. This was odd, since usually tattoos did not fade at all. Had this been intended? A tattoo that is hard to see meant that you had to get to know him very well to be able to see it well. Apparently, this motive meant a lot to him, as if he only wanted to share it with really good friends.

This thought process had somehow touched her, and she found herself wondering why that was. Maybe because he was careful when it came to letting people in, just like her. He surely was more forward when actually approaching people, which she could see from the way he had repeatedly smiled at her before, but any contact beyond that was harder to establish. There was no way to rush into anything, but something inside of her made her feel that he could actually understand her, at least a part of her crooked soul.

Not only seemed he genuinely interested in anything she said, but he also nonverbally communicated that he felt comfortable with her. His eyes did not wander over her body, as other men’s eyes usually did, his arms hang loosely by his side, palms relaxed, and his head was slightly tilted towards her. Did that not mean offering ones vulnerable side, by uncovering the neck? She intuitively behaved a similar way, copying his posture.

As the moon slowly rose over Appaloosa Plains, covering everything into a silver-grey-greenish light she found herself really attracted to this man. For now she considered him a well-known acquaintance, maybe even dared calling him a friend – nothing more. But who knew what could happen in this little town. Convinced of her positive feelings, she asked him what he was doing the next day after work. If he had some free time, they possibly could work on her little garden together. This was probably the greatest present she could make to anybody in her situation, since the garden was all she had right now.

Still during she submitted her proposal, he distorted his face into a huge yawn. When she lowered her arms, disheartened, he explained that the last thing he would want to do was gardening in his free time. Plants bored him, and the thought of digging in mud gave him the creeps. Anna needed some time to get herself together again, but then she did her best not to look too disappointed. All the tentative hope that had built up in her was gone, still she managed a tiny little smile.

With an almost steady voice she told him goodbye, then walked by him and hurried home as fast as she could. Tears were streaming down her face, and she could barely see where she was walking. But it did not matter. She had been foolish enough to let her guard down for a moment, and this was her reward.

This was not a cheerful night. Anna ate her salad quietly, her thoughts still with Benjamin. He had rejected the thing she loved to do the most, besides music, and this had hurt her even more than she admitted to herself. Mechanically stuffing fork after fork into her mouth, without even tasting any of the delicious vegetables, she thought about how her future was going to be like.

She most definitely had to be more careful when interacting with new people. After all, they were from the same race as the ones in her old hometown. People were people, and a part of their personality was always reserved for hurting others. With this thought she changed and went to bed. Tomorrow was going to be another long day.

Author's notes: I am so glad I started to tell Anna's story. It takes me way longer to write about her than writing chapters for the Wishacy or the ISBI, but it's all worth it.I can see what Anna sees, I can feel what she feels. It's amazing how I connect with this sim, even though I made up everything about her. Somehow, tiny little parts of me crawled into the story and into her character, making it just enough "autobiographical" (that's a strong word...) to continue writing with a wide range of emotions. I don't mean to get all wiped up on this and tell you how much my own writing touches me - because that would mostly be bragging -, but I felt like letting you know that I'm all in when it comes to this story. As weird as that feels, because I definitely hadn't expected that when I started writing.